The great Indian family

Zamana beet gaya

There is a scene in 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' where Nia Vardalos is shocked when her American boyfriend says he has no cousins. OK, technically he has a couple but hasn't met them in years.

Vardalos splutters," How can that be? No cousins! I have 28 first cousins!!"

It was an isn't-that-so-funny moment except ... Suddenly I realised I probably have cousins too. A quick calculation reveals -- tan tan na -- I have cousins on my dad's side and also on my mom's.

Shocking? Well, not really. My dad is one of 4 siblings, and my mom one of 6. And in a way my family is a mirror reflecting the social and demographic changes of India as a nation.

What once was...
Pre-Independence, every family was a large family. Except for a few, very few educated and elite parivaars like the Nehrus.

The older aunts in the family who were married in the 1940s and 1950s had 4-5 kids each - and that was considered a progressive thing to do. Those who married in the mids 60s, 70s and 80s have had an average of 2 kids - in the rare case there are 3.

The next generation - my cousins who married in the mid 90s - have one kid each or at the max 2.

My cousins are in the urbanized rural areas, yet not keen on having a third baby. We are what the magazines call 'urban bourbons' and we too are ambivalent about having a second child. But one thing's for sure - neither of us is going to have another baby simply in the hope of producing a male heir.

But what will happen when our children grow up and happen to watch 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' on cable? They're gonna find the thought of having 28 first cousins extremely funny. They may have one first cousin - and can expect 1, or 2 more. For all you know - they may never even have a real sibling.

How India has changed!
This is a pattern you can see all across urban India. And I think it has huge social implications. I can't say I am 'close' to all of my first cousins. Some are more dear than others - simply because we are on similar wavelength. But at the end of the day, when there is a wedding, you do feel a sense of 'family'.

Our children may never have that. There will be extremely few rishtas (relationships) they will be able to take for granted.

Now at a younger age I would have called this a wonderful thing. Throughout my childhood I found the presence of the extended family quite painful. Summer vacation? The cousins would come to stay for a month or we would go there. It was fun - in hindsight - but also a source of acute embarassment at the time.

Being from what can politely be termed as 'hicktowns' they were rather different from us - the city kids. They didn't speak English/Hindi, they wore strange clothes. They put 4 spoons of sugar in milk and put excess oil in their hair.

Today - things are different. The same hicktown cousins have become a lot smarter and sophisticated, thanks to the general sophistication of India itself. Satellite TV, internet, the consumer boom in smaller towns - thanks to increased purchasing power.

Some still don't speak English too well but it doesn't matter. Because I've lost my 'English-is-cool' complex.

They wear branded shirts - not safaris, use Brylcreem - not oil. And we all laugh when we recall the days when ek kapde ke thaan mein se sabhi bachchon ke kapde bante they.
Their wives don't wear jeans like the women here, but they are fashionable in their own way and as keen to live life and experiment as their counterparts. They like trying out new recipes - and at weddings where the traditional dishes used to be the highlight, north Indian or Chinese stalls are a must.

Their kids will be even more similar to city kids in attitude and aspiration.

We do need an education...
For my sister and I, growing up in a city, education was of prime importance. But not so much for our cousins - it was understood the boys would do B Com and get government jobs, and girls would get married.

That's changed.

Even those cousins' parents now want a professional education for their children. One such cousin is busy preparing for C.S in Tiruvananthapuram. His elder sister is a gold medalist in the university and already in the teaching profession.

When the rural kids apply to study abroad it is understood he/she would have to secure a full scholarship. In cities the parents pay - or students take loans. And that's just what exactly is the trend.

After completing 3 years of graduation course in India, they leave for some foreign university to do the 4th year (it'a part of a tie up the univ has with the colleges in India). They pay their way but determined to pay back their parents by working abroad for a few years before ultimately coming back.

Even the girls are a lot more ambitious. Many of them do MBAs - not from the very best institutes but good enough to get them decent jobs. Many enter the BPO industry and become a Team Leader earning close to 25 k a month.

A lot many are just small town girls - and plain graduates - when they go to metros in search of jobs. Gradually they and their siblings shift to the metro and start life afresh - thanks to the success they make of themselves.

That's a changing India for you!

Conclusion: Large families are neither practical nor desirable in today's day or age. But there is something really nice about having buas and mamas and mausis - which is not the same as having aunties and uncles.

For our generation, some friends are almost like family. For the young people of tomorrow they will be family - because 'family' as we know it really won't exist.

Hmm. Maybe we really should have more siblings for our kids.