Bolo Bollywood Ki Jai

Me: Hi ma, wazzup?


Ma: Hi beta. How is the job hunt going?

Me: Not much luck as of yet. Still knocking doors to get a campus job this summer.

Uncomfortable silence.

Ma: Worry not beta. Did you know, Smriti worked at McDonalds, serving burgers and cleaning tables during the start of her career.

Me: Smriti?

Ma (enthusiastically): Yeah, the Tulsi of Kyunki Saas……. And you know, Akshay Kumar was a butler in Bangkok. Rajnikanth was a conductor and Uttam Kumar was a clerk.

Sheeeessshhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my family. And this is my mom, sans exaggeration. If Bollywood offered degrees, she could have done her doctoral thesis three times over. She couldn’t tell a killer-smiles Tom Cruise from a gorgeous-looks Hugh Grant. Tollywood with all its Beder-Meye-Jyotsna (the snake charmer’s daughter Jyotsna) and Baba Keno Chakor (why is the dad the servant of the family) don’t hold her attention for more than five minutes. But when it comes to our own Mumbai film industry, the Bolly-cells run in her blood.


I have seen my friends growing up in conservative families where cable TV was a no-no. Going to cinema halls was a taboo till they reached college. Cable TV found its welcoming place in our home at the very beginning of its inception sometime in the early 90s. I have never really been interested in the TV. The cable connection was for her.

Imagine a mom who’d persuade you to go watch a movie with her, and in return, she will treat you to lunch at your favorite Biryani place, take you out for shopping, and promise you to buy whatever your heart desired. For some inexplicable reason, Bollywood has fascinated her as much as the hobby of lip-locking fascinated our serial kisser Emraan Hashmi. Well, Hashmi might grow old someday and find his kiss-eromones (the sub-family of pheromones) not cooperating. But never ever will a day come that my mom would stop raving about Bollywood.

In the 70's when good girls from conservative families never went to the cinema theaters, my mom used to go and my grand dad would bring the first day first show of every Hindi movie. I guess she has seen every movie that our film industry has ever produced, from Main khoon ki pyaasi hoon to Bahu bani Chudail, once and more than once. For ask her about a movie, and she could tell you everything from the protagonists to the directors, to which year it released in, which movie theatre she went to watch it, with whom, wearing what, eating what, and any other interesting episodes that might have ensued. Being from a not-so-movie-fanatic family, one of the reasons she married early was because she believed that while she was married, she would not have to convince my grandparents every time she wanted to see a movie. Both my grandfather and my dad must have spent a fortune getting the 1st-day-1st-show tickets for every Amitabh or Jeetendra movie. From the dhishum dhishums to the matka jhatkas and the choro bachao, she has seen it all.


One peek into the movie, and she could tell you the name, the entire story line, who raped who, who married who, and who fled with who. What more, she knows who is related to who in what way. Ask her and she will tell you amazing facts like how the Kapoors and the Bachchans are related because Amitabh’s daughter Shweta married the son of Ritu Nanda, who happens to be the daughter of Raj Kapoor. She will tell you how in Deewar, the casting was weird because Shashi Kapoor and Neetu Singh are father-in-law and daughter-in-law in real life. Ask her and she will tell you the entire life history of Dimple Kapadia, including descriptions of how she got married early, her marital problems and her divorce with Rajesh Khanna, her affair with Sunny Deol, and so on and so forth. And her Bolly-knowledge isn’t just limited to the Bachchans and the Kapoors of the older generation. She can confidently tell you how Amzad Khan (aka Gabbar Singh) died of a heart attack due to their unhealthy food habits and how his son (the same hero of Raja Ki Aayegi Baarat starring Rani Mukherjee) took a lesson out of this and reduced so many pounds in so many years. She can tell you the entire chronologic tree of the extended family of Kajol that includes people like Monish Behl, Nutan, Joy Mukherjee, Rani Mukherjee, and Shraboni Mukherjee (the jaate-hue-lamha chick from Border).


This reminds me of the TV serial Filmi Chakkar featuring Satish Shah and Ratna Pathak. Btw, Ratna Pathak is related to Deena Pathak (the strict mom from the Rekha starrer movie Khoobsurat), Supriya Pathak, and Naseeruddin Shah. You should see how animatedly mom match makes the Bollywood couples. She was so upset with the Abhi-Aish wedding, because she strongly believed that Abhishek should have gone for Sushmita Sen or Rani Mukherjee.


Naah, I do not trust his decision anymore. Even that old hag Karishma was no good for him- she told me all heartbroken one day.

But mom, how do you know who is destined to be with who?, I asked her, intrigued.

I know- she said with conviction.

Those were the days of my masters when I used to be all worried about getting a job post masters. That was the time when she had told me that like Shashi Kapoor in Deewar, I should be patient and well-principled. Man, the mention of him had brought back bland imaginations of me informing my sis who supposedly (am just imagining) would have had all the fun in life, daaru, handsome boyfriends, money, while I’d look into her eyes and say- Mere paas Ma hai. And my sister would look at me and scream-


Muahahahahhaaa……..

If dad would let it, I am sure our walls would have had expensively framed pics of people from the Bachchan family, Kapoor Khandaan, and the entire Kutton ka khoon peene waala Deol family. Imagine my plight one afternoon when I come home from work, only to see my mom with a swollen face and tear filled eyes.

What? You okay? What happened?

Yeah I am okay, and she started to wipe her eyes with the corner of her pallu again.

What? Nani is fine?- I asked alarmed. Is it dad? You had a fight with him?

No no.


Then?

Well, Lajja Shankar killed Professor Verma.

Who Lajja Shankar? Who Verma? Do we know them? Are they dad’s colleagues?

No…. she sounded irritated.

Then? Tell me….

I was watching the movie Sangharsh..(sob sob) and (sob sob)…..

Craaaappppppppppp………. I screamed out. See how your Professor Verma is flirting with the chicks in the movie Garam Masala…

Still…….. (sob sob)

Can you believe it, my mom is a fan of Sunny Deol. She is even a bigger fan of Adnan Sami, Akshay Kumar, Sonu Nigam, and Preity Zinta. When she told our neighbor aunty (who isn’t even enlightened enough about Bollywood to distinguish Akshay Kumar from Akshay Khanna) how Adnan Sami, Neetu Kapoor-Singh and Sushmita Mukherjee (the kitty-chick with the crater-faced Pankaj Kapur, who also happens to be Nilima-Sadak-Azeem’s husband and Shahid Kapur’s dad) were her idols because they had so dedicatedly lost weight, aunty asked if they were family friends.


Women have no life of their own. That Bhagyashree chick married a Himalaya loser and bas, end of career. And look at Kajol now. That way, I so very admire Dimple. And am so glad Sunidhi Chauhan separated from that Bobby guy and reconciled with her parents, she told me enthusiastically one day.

Hmm… in logon ke life mein ya pati ka sthan hai ya career ka (these people have the place for either the husband or the career in their lives), I said unenthusiastically.

You know how Rajesh Khanna and Anup Jalota were jealous of their wives?- she started animatedly.

Mom, I’ve heard it many a times. I am not interested.

Too bad, she looked irritated. Look at your other friends. You neither like movies, nor do you like discussing them. What would I do with you?


Well, that is my mom. She strongly encourages me to maintain a diary so that someday when I become famous, the diary can be made into the book of my life (like the book of Amitabh Bachchan). Her references and allusions to anything is mostly related to Bollywood. She once asked me if US looks the way just like it did in Kal Ho Na Ho and Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. She once asked me if I could get a TV and a cable connection before she visited me. She wants me to wear a Manish-Malhotra type designer wedding. For years, she went goo-goo-gaa-gaa over the chiffon sarees Dr.Simran Mathur wore in Astitva-Ek Prem Kahani. What more, she is full of those adjectives for people like Kajol-type-laughter, Rani-type-husky-voice, Sushmita-type-beauty-and-brains, Bobby-Deol-type-sexy-voice, and Ajay-Devgan-types-deep-eyes. Ask her and she will tell you why Johnny Lever is called Johnny Lever, what is the real name of Sanjeev Kumar, how many movies have Amrish Puri and Sridevi acted in together, and how singer Sonali Rathod eloped with brother-in-law Roop Kumar Rathod and married him to free herself from that animal husband Anup Jalota who wouldn’t let her sing.

You think it is Filmy Chakkar? Yaar mujhe to kabhi kabhi chakkar aa jaata hai. So the next time you crave for some delicious homemade cashew chicken or mutton do pyaaza, you know what to scream?


Bolo Bollywood Ki Jai….