Today as I sit to post and am doing this during the working hours as I am in no mood to work. More so got lot many calls and mail replies from my school days friends and my college mates as the New Year dawned. Even to the extent that one called while partying and said even though he had seen a fair bit of world and had interacted with so many people at work and in social life, there was a different spark with those with whom he had spent his school and college days. So I feel in this 32 years of my existence, these few moments make me nostalgic and give a kick in the normal so called city life with dosages of modernism and fast paced life. Since this post is for all my schoolmates and for my home town “Udaipur”, the lake city in the western part of India.
When we were back from school in the noons, it used to be so dull especially home work after lunch. The city is well planned and is divided into galis and mohallas and the streets were pretty broad to showcase the children's cricketing skills. We always had friends to play aais-paais (I Spy) anytime. We desperately waited for 'Yeh jo hai Zindagi', 'Chitrahaar','Vikram-Betaal', 'Spiderman', 'Street Hawk' and my favourite was “Malgudi Days”. Even today I don’t miss the episodes in POGO, they are so fulfilling. I was in my twelveth standard, when with great difficulty and in absence of my parents or when there was none in the neighbour’s house we used to see “Bold and Beautiful” and feel we belonged to the western world.
My father being a thorough and fundu teacher was true to his class of ethics. So one can imagine how those moments would have been. Stealth was a part of life.
Christmas meant mostly hand-made cakes and sweets and my mother and neighbourhood aunties sought each other’s help while preparing them. My teachers were not worried of my mummy and pappa, (although being colleagues in the same school) while slapping/beating me, but for your information I was never naughty. We were exchanging comics and stamps and Chacha Chaudaris and Billus were our heroes. I had a stock of “Hardy Boys”,"Enid Blyton” and even to this day I have preserved them in my house in my room’s rack. We had one movie every Sunday evening on television. When we had ten rupees in our pockets we used to become the talk of the school when we marched towards the school canteen. When the books used by me were passed on to others as CBSE board never changed the syllabus drastically to go for new ones. When “Chelpark” and “Natraj” were encouraged against “Reynolds” as parents used to say using ink pen improves handwriting.
The first rain meant getting drenched and playing in water and mud and making 'kaagaj ki kashtis' and the best part was declaration of leave from school as “Rainy Day”. Even though, there were no mobiles (we all remained connected), friends used to reach at the playground at sharp 5PM to play football in the rain.
The list is endless. I have seen a fair bit of the world by now and to me those were and will remain “The Best Days of my Life”.
On a serious note, I would like to summarise it as we were using our hearts more than our brains, even for scientifically brainy activities like 'thinking' and 'deciding'. But became a bit serious when we reached standard twelve and wanted to make to the best of schools in engineering/medical/commerce. I have fulfilled a part of it till now and as they say the thirst continues so is mine and want to do something else now.
We were crying and laughing more often, more openly and more sincerely. We were enjoying our present more than worrying about our future. We being emotional were not synonymous to being weak as it is today, males do cry and cry loud and what if they don’t display it. Life was a passenger's sleeper giving enough time and opportunity to enjoy the sceneries from its open and transparent glass windows instead of some crowded shopping mall with loads of people each taking pride in worldly pleasures and enjoying the “Moh and Maya” the world throws for each swipe of a card or a cheque.
I really miss you all.
Showing posts with label Life is like that only. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life is like that only. Show all posts
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Life roxzz
Gone are the days when people introduced themselves with a name and a handshake or a Namaste. See how it goes now. No points for guessing where these names have been picked from (Disclaimer: profile names have been picked up at random and most names have been changed. No need to come thanking me for making you famous in my blog. No crib/hate comments would be entertained). Do come up with your own collection. That would be hilarious.
1. Jaspal @ youtube ne mujhe barbaad kar diya.
2. Sarita @ reached US safely.
3. Surya Prakash @ finished MBA, looking for job.
4. Ajith @ tattoo ur soul but never say die.
5. Neha @ trying to make life possible.
6. Suman @ will be back on 18th July.
7. Tarun @ I am gonna win all challenges.
8. King of Jupiter @ goodbye Kolkata, moving to Bangalore.
9. Respect maah authority @ Deepika Deshpande.
10. Moutusi @ kaajer chaap e pagol (gone crazy with the work load).
11. Suhani @ visit my blog and tell me.
12. Dhiren @ 25 days to go yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
13. I don’t need your attitude, I got my own.
14. Nupur getting married.
15. Smriti @ new pics uploaded… bilkul fresh.
16. Arun- our 1st lov n las lovz self lov..
17. Rajeev @ congratulations class of 2007.
18. Uma against reservation.
19. Me and my tricolored soul.
20. Aviral still single
21. Vikas the home coming warrior
22. Nemo on top of the world
23. Srikanth my new number updated at *&*^&^&%^$%
24. Anand I just like being myself.
25. Sweta proudly screens “Sivaji” in seattle.
26. Harpreet kaur waiting for parents.
27. Indra @ aar parchina guru (typical tapori Bengali for, can’t take it anymore boss).
28. Amar @ death cannot cure me.
29. Ms.Attitude Godfather is back to me.
30. Manoj I hate fake people and gays.
31. If flrtn z banned in heaven me not going.
32. Shruti I don’t care a damn.
33. Al women r gud fr sumthng or gud fr nuthning.
34. 4:23 the rattle snake.
35. U cnt change me so be like me (phone number).
36. Anupama rain is falling chama cham cham.
37. Tanmay juzz luv ppl who hate me the most.
38. Indu wants to become a kid again.
39. Samresh (finally 18…)
40. Rohanz- lifez a journey not a guided tour.
41. Sudha in search of boyfriend.
42. Hum kis gali jaa rahe hain @ pramod.
43. Anshu jain don’t go on face.
44. No one dies virgin, life fucks everyone.
45. Shashi @ broadder the smile, deeper may be the wound inside.
46. No fluke score at will.
47. I am too good for this world- adios amigos.
48. Sweet sonali hai main sadke jawaan.
49. Amit turn scars into stars.
50. I luv my job what I hate is the work.
1. Jaspal @ youtube ne mujhe barbaad kar diya.
2. Sarita @ reached US safely.
3. Surya Prakash @ finished MBA, looking for job.
4. Ajith @ tattoo ur soul but never say die.
5. Neha @ trying to make life possible.
6. Suman @ will be back on 18th July.
7. Tarun @ I am gonna win all challenges.
8. King of Jupiter @ goodbye Kolkata, moving to Bangalore.
9. Respect maah authority @ Deepika Deshpande.
10. Moutusi @ kaajer chaap e pagol (gone crazy with the work load).
11. Suhani @ visit my blog and tell me.
12. Dhiren @ 25 days to go yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
13. I don’t need your attitude, I got my own.
14. Nupur getting married.
15. Smriti @ new pics uploaded… bilkul fresh.
16. Arun- our 1st lov n las lovz self lov..
17. Rajeev @ congratulations class of 2007.
18. Uma against reservation.
19. Me and my tricolored soul.
20. Aviral still single
21. Vikas the home coming warrior
22. Nemo on top of the world
23. Srikanth my new number updated at *&*^&^&%^$%
24. Anand I just like being myself.
25. Sweta proudly screens “Sivaji” in seattle.
26. Harpreet kaur waiting for parents.
27. Indra @ aar parchina guru (typical tapori Bengali for, can’t take it anymore boss).
28. Amar @ death cannot cure me.
29. Ms.Attitude Godfather is back to me.
30. Manoj I hate fake people and gays.
31. If flrtn z banned in heaven me not going.
32. Shruti I don’t care a damn.
33. Al women r gud fr sumthng or gud fr nuthning.
34. 4:23 the rattle snake.
35. U cnt change me so be like me (phone number).
36. Anupama rain is falling chama cham cham.
37. Tanmay juzz luv ppl who hate me the most.
38. Indu wants to become a kid again.
39. Samresh (finally 18…)
40. Rohanz- lifez a journey not a guided tour.
41. Sudha in search of boyfriend.
42. Hum kis gali jaa rahe hain @ pramod.
43. Anshu jain don’t go on face.
44. No one dies virgin, life fucks everyone.
45. Shashi @ broadder the smile, deeper may be the wound inside.
46. No fluke score at will.
47. I am too good for this world- adios amigos.
48. Sweet sonali hai main sadke jawaan.
49. Amit turn scars into stars.
50. I luv my job what I hate is the work.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
'More than friends'
Salaam Namaste got released back in the year 2005. When I first heard the title I thought it might be a Hindu boy-Muslim girl kind of story in a modern context (although Preity's clothes were a little too tiny for that!). Then, the buzz was it's about a 'live in' relationship.
And now we know for sure - they do live in, but only as roommates.
They live together, but as friends, in different rooms. They're in a relationship… but then again they're not.
It was a Yashraj film after all - even if it was shot in Australia! But of course, it was hip, New Age and all that.
He's a Chef; she's a Radio Jockey. They're young, they're cool, they're independent –and together they make the BEST pair! Or do they?
My point is - of course they are going to realise it's true love at the end of it all. So the fun lies only in the meandering journey towards that end. Unfortunately, in real life it's far more complex.
Dost dost na raha...
One of the biggest dilemmas in life is realising that someone who is a friend, is also 'more than a friend'. It usually happens quite sneakily and unexpectedly and there - life is never quite the same again.
Now if this happens when you and your 'more than a friend' are both single, it's bad enough. But if either one of you - or both - are actually committed to someone else (at least in theory, if not practice) you find yourself in a heart rending hieroglyphic.
The thing is, love - or lust/ attraction/ gosh-I-want-to-know-that-person-intimately can happen to anyone, at any age. Not just at a convenient 23 - 26(for girls) and 25-30 (for boys) as all Indian parents would wish.
At which time they can offer their blessings along with gold sets and Kala Niketan sarees which they know you aren't going to wear anytime in the next decade.
Dil vil pyaar vyaar
The last time I saw a re-run of 'Love Actually'; a cheesy film on the whole but one with several poignant scenes, like this one:
10 year old Sam has just lost his mother, and his stepfather is worried - he's looking really bad.
Dad: "Sam - what's on your mind?"
Sam: "If I tell you and you can't do anything about it - is it OK?"
Dad: "Yes, of course".
Sam: "Dad I'm in love and she doesn't even know I exist."
Dad (taken aback): "Aren't you a little young to be in love?"
Sam: (glares): "No!"
Dad: "Well, Ok ... uh.. anyways I'm glad you told me. I thought it was something worse."
Sam: "Worse? What can be worse than the agony of being in love?"
So there you have it. Nothing can be worse. Or better.
And even if you do find 'The One' and make him/ her yours for life, be prepared for 'more than friends' feelings to arise with someone else, at some point.
The days when women met only dhobis and sabziwallahs and men sat with fat munshis behind the counters of shops are completely over.Temptation and interesting conversation lurks around every office corner!
As Psychology Today magazine notes:
Like every other kind of intimacy, the workplace variety brings with it the likelihood of sexual attraction. It is natural. It is inevitable, hard-wired as we are to respond to certain kinds of stimuli, although it sometimes comes as a surprise to those it strikes. But sexual attraction in the office is virtually inevitable for other reasons as well: The workplace is an ideal pre-screener, likely to throw us together with others our own age having similar socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, similar sets of values, and similar aspirations.
It also offers countless opportunities for working friendships to develop. As teams come to dominate the structure of the business world, the other half of a business team is increasingly likely to be not only a colleague with complementary skills and interests, but an attractive member of the opposite sex. As close as the collaboration between men and women workers can get at the office, it may be even more so outside it, as workers today function in an extended workplace of irregular hours and non-office settings. We are now more likely than ever, for example, to share the intimate isolation of business travel.
However, the article goes on to say:
"Sexual attraction can be managed. It is not only possible to acknowledge sexual attraction, but also to enjoy the energy generated by it--and without acting on it sexually."
Hmm. Right. Don't have your cake just look at it, imagine what it might taste like and channelise the imaginary calories into imaginary sex... It happens a number of times in every one's lives. The real idea of speaking through eyes is enough for a person to skip a beat. Its pretty obvious the moment one is interested in another, it is transparent. Its when the other person also responds when it becomes bliss, but the relationship doesn't always blossom due to some precarious reasons. Term it Ego Satisfaction, just enjoying the importance given by the opposite sex. But this is not a rule. Sometimes relationships do blossom.
I have been thinking on this point for quite some time. I heard this line in the movie "Hum Tum" where it said "ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi acche dost nahi ban sakte. Saala pyaar beech main aa jaata hai".
But seriously, of course we don't act on every impulse we get. And many attractions remain, known to both parties but not formally acknowledged. They just make life a little more interesting, but have the potential to make it all too complicated.
But seriously, of course we don't act on every impulse we get. And many attractions remain, known to both parties but not formally acknowledged. They just make life a little more interesting, but have the potential to make it all too complicated.
Best to let sleeping passions lie, than stare into each other's eyes and unravel the naked, boring truth.
And now we know for sure - they do live in, but only as roommates.
They live together, but as friends, in different rooms. They're in a relationship… but then again they're not.
It was a Yashraj film after all - even if it was shot in Australia! But of course, it was hip, New Age and all that.
He's a Chef; she's a Radio Jockey. They're young, they're cool, they're independent –and together they make the BEST pair! Or do they?
My point is - of course they are going to realise it's true love at the end of it all. So the fun lies only in the meandering journey towards that end. Unfortunately, in real life it's far more complex.
Dost dost na raha...
One of the biggest dilemmas in life is realising that someone who is a friend, is also 'more than a friend'. It usually happens quite sneakily and unexpectedly and there - life is never quite the same again.
Now if this happens when you and your 'more than a friend' are both single, it's bad enough. But if either one of you - or both - are actually committed to someone else (at least in theory, if not practice) you find yourself in a heart rending hieroglyphic.
The thing is, love - or lust/ attraction/ gosh-I-want-to-know-that-person-intimately can happen to anyone, at any age. Not just at a convenient 23 - 26(for girls) and 25-30 (for boys) as all Indian parents would wish.
At which time they can offer their blessings along with gold sets and Kala Niketan sarees which they know you aren't going to wear anytime in the next decade.
Dil vil pyaar vyaar
The last time I saw a re-run of 'Love Actually'; a cheesy film on the whole but one with several poignant scenes, like this one:
10 year old Sam has just lost his mother, and his stepfather is worried - he's looking really bad.
Dad: "Sam - what's on your mind?"
Sam: "If I tell you and you can't do anything about it - is it OK?"
Dad: "Yes, of course".
Sam: "Dad I'm in love and she doesn't even know I exist."
Dad (taken aback): "Aren't you a little young to be in love?"
Sam: (glares): "No!"
Dad: "Well, Ok ... uh.. anyways I'm glad you told me. I thought it was something worse."
Sam: "Worse? What can be worse than the agony of being in love?"
So there you have it. Nothing can be worse. Or better.
And even if you do find 'The One' and make him/ her yours for life, be prepared for 'more than friends' feelings to arise with someone else, at some point.
The days when women met only dhobis and sabziwallahs and men sat with fat munshis behind the counters of shops are completely over.Temptation and interesting conversation lurks around every office corner!
As Psychology Today magazine notes:
Like every other kind of intimacy, the workplace variety brings with it the likelihood of sexual attraction. It is natural. It is inevitable, hard-wired as we are to respond to certain kinds of stimuli, although it sometimes comes as a surprise to those it strikes. But sexual attraction in the office is virtually inevitable for other reasons as well: The workplace is an ideal pre-screener, likely to throw us together with others our own age having similar socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, similar sets of values, and similar aspirations.
It also offers countless opportunities for working friendships to develop. As teams come to dominate the structure of the business world, the other half of a business team is increasingly likely to be not only a colleague with complementary skills and interests, but an attractive member of the opposite sex. As close as the collaboration between men and women workers can get at the office, it may be even more so outside it, as workers today function in an extended workplace of irregular hours and non-office settings. We are now more likely than ever, for example, to share the intimate isolation of business travel.
However, the article goes on to say:
"Sexual attraction can be managed. It is not only possible to acknowledge sexual attraction, but also to enjoy the energy generated by it--and without acting on it sexually."
Hmm. Right. Don't have your cake just look at it, imagine what it might taste like and channelise the imaginary calories into imaginary sex... It happens a number of times in every one's lives. The real idea of speaking through eyes is enough for a person to skip a beat. Its pretty obvious the moment one is interested in another, it is transparent. Its when the other person also responds when it becomes bliss, but the relationship doesn't always blossom due to some precarious reasons. Term it Ego Satisfaction, just enjoying the importance given by the opposite sex. But this is not a rule. Sometimes relationships do blossom.
I have been thinking on this point for quite some time. I heard this line in the movie "Hum Tum" where it said "ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi acche dost nahi ban sakte. Saala pyaar beech main aa jaata hai".
But seriously, of course we don't act on every impulse we get. And many attractions remain, known to both parties but not formally acknowledged. They just make life a little more interesting, but have the potential to make it all too complicated.
But seriously, of course we don't act on every impulse we get. And many attractions remain, known to both parties but not formally acknowledged. They just make life a little more interesting, but have the potential to make it all too complicated.
Best to let sleeping passions lie, than stare into each other's eyes and unravel the naked, boring truth.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The 'Mathematics' of Dating
Applied mathematicians studying dating is about as likely to deliver credible results as gorillas solving quadratic equations.
That's what I conclude at least after reading about this mathematical model created by researchers at University College London to explore the role of gift-giving in courtship.
A team of applied mathematicians created a sequential calculation as a model of dating... The researchers assigned points to an array of courtship behaviors, including gift-giving. The computer considered the hypothetical facts, mulled over a few variables and calculated which behaviors would result in the highest score for the imaginary male or female dater.
The researchers varied the type of gift the man could give. (Political correctness aside, it was a given that the man was the pursuer and gift-giver.)
So you had a choice of worthless, valuable or extravagant gifts.
Valuable gifts = diamonds for example. Items with usefulness or resale value
Extravagant gifts = dinner at a fancy restaurant, tickets to a Broadway show or a moonlit serenade. The value of these gifts was just in the experience.
The model showed that extravagant gifts had the highest score for both men and women. This was interpreted to mean: women feel confident that they have found a strong and committed mate when they receive an extravagant gift. And men avoid gold-diggers by giving only gifts that have no intrinsic value.
Hmm. I can see a whole lot of guys go bingo! We knew it. Women want rich guys who can spoil them, no wonder we never make any progress..
Forgeddahboutit
But let me just point out a few problems with this mathematical model. Especially if you're in one of those common (for Indian men especially!) situations where you've been secretly infatuated with this girl who barely knows you exist on the planet. Or perhaps knows you, but only as an acquaintance or friend.
Extravagant will not only NOT work in this situation it will have the poor girl running off in the opposite direction. Getting 100 red roses from someone you barely know on Valentine's Day is flattering to a girl only if SHE also has some feelings for you. Just the roses or the dinner won't trigger those feelings.
So an extravagant gift will work fine if you're IN a relationship. Otherwise, if you ask me, the 'worthless' gift variety which the researchers simply overlook could be more potent.
The best kind of worthless gifts are those which involve effort, not money. They indicate you care about the other person, that "I'm there for you".
Sometimes just being emotionally available is a gift. Helping someone with a difficult decision or problem can be a gift (though you should offer advice only if you're asked to). Offering to drop her home if it's late is a gift (she may not accept but your offering to do so will be noted).
But again NONE of this matters if she does not have a basic attraction for you.
Should I tell/ should I not?
Now take this common situation almost every girl (and a few guys) have encountered in their school days.
* Someone who you don't know at all comes up to you, turns red, thrusts a mushy card/ flowers/ other lame gift in your hands. And waits for a response.
If you're a kind hearted soul you just smile and say "So sweet" and somehow squirm out of the situation gracefully.
If you're a mean one you may laugh on his/ her face and walk away. Next thing you know the whole school knows about the incident and the red-faced one is standing in a corner, purple-faced and alone.
Of course he/she eventually gets over it but what I mean is the success rate of this 'cold call I love you' is so negligible that it makes no sense to even try it.
Then there's the second situation which takes place more around college time.
* There is a girl/ guy who is a friend - maybe even a pretty good friend - and you have developed feelings for her/ him. Now you wonder, should I tell/ not tell.
Now this is definitely tricky and while girls do take the initiative these days let's just say more often than not the 'who will bell the cat' question still has to be answered by the guys.
I guess here you have to trust your instinct. Although you may think the girl does not know you like her - she does. And if she likes you back, there will be some subtle signs of it - though she may not actually say it.
If you are getting those vibes - go ahead and take a chance. But if you're not, just keep mum because telling her "I have feelings for you" when there's a 99.9% chance she will reply "I like you as a friend" is a recipe for disaster.
Here's what is likely to happen. These are insights from a very interesting guy called David deAngelo who's written an ebook called 'Double your Dating'.
DeAngelo is an amazing writer and I think what he says has cross-cultural relevance. (No I haven't bought the book but the guy has written a bunch of articles to promote his book - this is an longish excerpt from one of them)
A Secret Women Know but Men Don't
Here's the deal: If you do something to "let a woman know how you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling that like to call the "Instant Ewww".
The Instant Ewww is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a woman feels it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's over.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a woman feels the Instant Ewww, she will start behaving differently.
In short, she'll disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the "Instant Ewww"?
I got it from WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word "Ewww" when describing how they felt about a guy that was "confessing his love"... of course, these were guys that weren't loved in return.
So what causes the Instant Ewww?
And why would a woman feel it towards a man who was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving her a gift or telling her how he feels?
Because if you think about it from HER perspective, you'll realize that the moment a you do something to "confess", you have created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, women always know how men feel.
She already knew you wanted her.
She knew it from the beginning.
But now that you've started pursuing her and talking about how you feel, you've created a NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an emotion that is repulsive to women. And it does repel them.
In summary...
You can't "make a woman like you" or "change how she feels about you" by doing nice things for her...
Guys think that they need to communicate when they like a woman... as if that's part of the necessary process of getting a girl.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like her>Tell her you like her>She likes you
Well remember... if you follow this pattern yourself with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to BACKFIRE.
If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
She thinks of you as a friend>You tell her you like her>She gets the "Instant Ewwws" and never wants to be around you again...
Now of course this DeAngelo guy advises at this point: "Buy my book to learn the secrets of how to succeed with women". And you know what - it may be a sales pitch and the book may not actually work for you - but he certainly knows more about dating than those lame mathematicians. Considering the fact that such "Educational Lectures" will be unavailable to the guys in the real world the guys will have an easy time using the correct theories given by expert. But I am having a gut feeling that all theories proposed are for girls in the western world. In India, a better book would be: "A complete idiot's guide to impress prospective in-laws".
Any author willing to write on this would definitely make a billion in fortune considering the population of this country. Morover it would lead to more books like: "A complete idiot's guide to fend off imposter bridegrooms."
Reserve 50% seats in IITs for lady candidates and you will find a million mathematical models to explain the girls' behaviour. After all, every statisticians needs a sample space to work on.
Many guys know how it feels living in this world where having equal number of girls in the world is an axiom and not a theorem that can be proved.
There is another theory called the Ladder theory (read somewhere on internet.) The way its written is very chauvanistic but still gives an insight of priorities women have. The theory was: Women have two ladders on which they put their male companions: one of the only Friends and the other ladder is for the males they will consider for relationship. But males normally have only one ladder for women and that is of relationship.
If you are on the friendship ladder of a female then better not try to jump on to the relationship ladder. You will fall :). As you said, females look for powerful and rich men.
Sorry, guys! Courtship is highly complex and can't be distilled into a few sterile numbers and equations. Or there wouldn't be so many mopey single engineers and IITians!
That's what I conclude at least after reading about this mathematical model created by researchers at University College London to explore the role of gift-giving in courtship.
A team of applied mathematicians created a sequential calculation as a model of dating... The researchers assigned points to an array of courtship behaviors, including gift-giving. The computer considered the hypothetical facts, mulled over a few variables and calculated which behaviors would result in the highest score for the imaginary male or female dater.
The researchers varied the type of gift the man could give. (Political correctness aside, it was a given that the man was the pursuer and gift-giver.)
So you had a choice of worthless, valuable or extravagant gifts.
Valuable gifts = diamonds for example. Items with usefulness or resale value
Extravagant gifts = dinner at a fancy restaurant, tickets to a Broadway show or a moonlit serenade. The value of these gifts was just in the experience.
The model showed that extravagant gifts had the highest score for both men and women. This was interpreted to mean: women feel confident that they have found a strong and committed mate when they receive an extravagant gift. And men avoid gold-diggers by giving only gifts that have no intrinsic value.
Hmm. I can see a whole lot of guys go bingo! We knew it. Women want rich guys who can spoil them, no wonder we never make any progress..
Forgeddahboutit
But let me just point out a few problems with this mathematical model. Especially if you're in one of those common (for Indian men especially!) situations where you've been secretly infatuated with this girl who barely knows you exist on the planet. Or perhaps knows you, but only as an acquaintance or friend.
Extravagant will not only NOT work in this situation it will have the poor girl running off in the opposite direction. Getting 100 red roses from someone you barely know on Valentine's Day is flattering to a girl only if SHE also has some feelings for you. Just the roses or the dinner won't trigger those feelings.
So an extravagant gift will work fine if you're IN a relationship. Otherwise, if you ask me, the 'worthless' gift variety which the researchers simply overlook could be more potent.
The best kind of worthless gifts are those which involve effort, not money. They indicate you care about the other person, that "I'm there for you".
Sometimes just being emotionally available is a gift. Helping someone with a difficult decision or problem can be a gift (though you should offer advice only if you're asked to). Offering to drop her home if it's late is a gift (she may not accept but your offering to do so will be noted).
But again NONE of this matters if she does not have a basic attraction for you.
Should I tell/ should I not?
Now take this common situation almost every girl (and a few guys) have encountered in their school days.
* Someone who you don't know at all comes up to you, turns red, thrusts a mushy card/ flowers/ other lame gift in your hands. And waits for a response.
If you're a kind hearted soul you just smile and say "So sweet" and somehow squirm out of the situation gracefully.
If you're a mean one you may laugh on his/ her face and walk away. Next thing you know the whole school knows about the incident and the red-faced one is standing in a corner, purple-faced and alone.
Of course he/she eventually gets over it but what I mean is the success rate of this 'cold call I love you' is so negligible that it makes no sense to even try it.
Then there's the second situation which takes place more around college time.
* There is a girl/ guy who is a friend - maybe even a pretty good friend - and you have developed feelings for her/ him. Now you wonder, should I tell/ not tell.
Now this is definitely tricky and while girls do take the initiative these days let's just say more often than not the 'who will bell the cat' question still has to be answered by the guys.
I guess here you have to trust your instinct. Although you may think the girl does not know you like her - she does. And if she likes you back, there will be some subtle signs of it - though she may not actually say it.
If you are getting those vibes - go ahead and take a chance. But if you're not, just keep mum because telling her "I have feelings for you" when there's a 99.9% chance she will reply "I like you as a friend" is a recipe for disaster.
Here's what is likely to happen. These are insights from a very interesting guy called David deAngelo who's written an ebook called 'Double your Dating'.
DeAngelo is an amazing writer and I think what he says has cross-cultural relevance. (No I haven't bought the book but the guy has written a bunch of articles to promote his book - this is an longish excerpt from one of them)
A Secret Women Know but Men Don't
Here's the deal: If you do something to "let a woman know how you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling that like to call the "Instant Ewww".
The Instant Ewww is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a woman feels it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's over.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a woman feels the Instant Ewww, she will start behaving differently.
In short, she'll disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the "Instant Ewww"?
I got it from WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word "Ewww" when describing how they felt about a guy that was "confessing his love"... of course, these were guys that weren't loved in return.
So what causes the Instant Ewww?
And why would a woman feel it towards a man who was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving her a gift or telling her how he feels?
Because if you think about it from HER perspective, you'll realize that the moment a you do something to "confess", you have created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, women always know how men feel.
She already knew you wanted her.
She knew it from the beginning.
But now that you've started pursuing her and talking about how you feel, you've created a NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an emotion that is repulsive to women. And it does repel them.
In summary...
You can't "make a woman like you" or "change how she feels about you" by doing nice things for her...
Guys think that they need to communicate when they like a woman... as if that's part of the necessary process of getting a girl.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like her>Tell her you like her>She likes you
Well remember... if you follow this pattern yourself with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to BACKFIRE.
If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
She thinks of you as a friend>You tell her you like her>She gets the "Instant Ewwws" and never wants to be around you again...
Now of course this DeAngelo guy advises at this point: "Buy my book to learn the secrets of how to succeed with women". And you know what - it may be a sales pitch and the book may not actually work for you - but he certainly knows more about dating than those lame mathematicians. Considering the fact that such "Educational Lectures" will be unavailable to the guys in the real world the guys will have an easy time using the correct theories given by expert. But I am having a gut feeling that all theories proposed are for girls in the western world. In India, a better book would be: "A complete idiot's guide to impress prospective in-laws".
Any author willing to write on this would definitely make a billion in fortune considering the population of this country. Morover it would lead to more books like: "A complete idiot's guide to fend off imposter bridegrooms."
Reserve 50% seats in IITs for lady candidates and you will find a million mathematical models to explain the girls' behaviour. After all, every statisticians needs a sample space to work on.
Many guys know how it feels living in this world where having equal number of girls in the world is an axiom and not a theorem that can be proved.
There is another theory called the Ladder theory (read somewhere on internet.) The way its written is very chauvanistic but still gives an insight of priorities women have. The theory was: Women have two ladders on which they put their male companions: one of the only Friends and the other ladder is for the males they will consider for relationship. But males normally have only one ladder for women and that is of relationship.
If you are on the friendship ladder of a female then better not try to jump on to the relationship ladder. You will fall :). As you said, females look for powerful and rich men.
Sorry, guys! Courtship is highly complex and can't be distilled into a few sterile numbers and equations. Or there wouldn't be so many mopey single engineers and IITians!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Streets like rivers - Yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan......
It’s amazing how activity in a major city like Mumbai can be so suddenly disrupted, its people cut off from each other, within a matter of a couple of hours. The streets get flooded. Knee-deep water. The rains coming down so hard that the buildings on the other side of the road get hazy, uncertain shapes. I just can't help but imagine them.
Turn on the TV for news, and you get static. It is a wonder that life isn’t wonderful for long, so the power goes as well. People get stuck in darkness, trapped high-rise apartments, high enough to stop flood-water coming in, low enough to avoid the inevitable leaks from the roof of the building.
Mobile phone batteries run out, and the signals it receive get intermittent. Stuck planes at the airport, waiting to take off as the runway gets more and more flooded. Food packets being air-dropped. Rains lasting for more than 48 hours. Electricity supply gets switched off because of the flooding, and would not resume till the water levels got back to normal.
But still, Mumbaikars never give up. After the rains have stopped young men and children come out to frolic in the water, which was muddy and filthy. Bits of garbage float on it, and a few plastic bags. The air fills with the crying of street dogs,who ran from one corner of the street to another, trying to get to higher ground. The hour in the evening when the rain gets held up fills by the noises of excited children. Some sit on the road divider, dangling bare legs into murky water, still at the age when they enjoy the water and do not think of the dirt and disease it carries. Then the rains came down again.
The night seems unreal because it gets dark outside. Even at night they are used to little bits of light here and there: streetlights in the distance; glimmers from windows of buildings; at least stars. The only light they see, besides the candles inside and the sporadic lightning outside, is from the occasional car gliding through the water, one-third of it submerged, its headlights warning of its arrival in front of windows from a distance. The dark, still water being disturbed by first ripples and then waves of light and dark, and then the car itself, resolving no doubt to never make fun of boats again. Cars breaking down in the middle of the road, and the drivers abandoning it, leaving its indicator lights flickering all night, so people would know it was there.
Every year in Mumbai there are at least one or two days when life comes to a halt and streets are flooded. If you happen to be in office when it happens, you are invariably stuck there overnight. If are unlucky enough to be commuting, you could spend hours in whatever mode of transport you choose, though often walking makes more sense. Walking 30-40 kilometres in knee-deep water isn’t unusual. Sometimes, through chest-deep water.
Many of them slip into a manhole. Wading through thigh-deep water, people suddenly feel no ground beneath their feet, and find themselves slipping. But people behind often help others from falling. That’s one thing about Mumbai: people help each other, because they know that we’re all in it together. You look out for the guys around you, and they look out for you. It’s self-interest.
The rains stop by mid-morning, though the lights often take till evening to come. The streets no longer flooded by noon. Electricity comes back to the city in phases, and that welcome clicky sound, and the whirr of the fan starting up, coming in the evening, after more than 24 hours without power. The pictures get pretty scary: streets like rivers; thousands of cars abandoned in the highway; and everyhere, brown muddy water. The city becomes its drainage system; soon, that would go underground again, and life would be normal.
Until next year.
Turn on the TV for news, and you get static. It is a wonder that life isn’t wonderful for long, so the power goes as well. People get stuck in darkness, trapped high-rise apartments, high enough to stop flood-water coming in, low enough to avoid the inevitable leaks from the roof of the building.
Mobile phone batteries run out, and the signals it receive get intermittent. Stuck planes at the airport, waiting to take off as the runway gets more and more flooded. Food packets being air-dropped. Rains lasting for more than 48 hours. Electricity supply gets switched off because of the flooding, and would not resume till the water levels got back to normal.
But still, Mumbaikars never give up. After the rains have stopped young men and children come out to frolic in the water, which was muddy and filthy. Bits of garbage float on it, and a few plastic bags. The air fills with the crying of street dogs,who ran from one corner of the street to another, trying to get to higher ground. The hour in the evening when the rain gets held up fills by the noises of excited children. Some sit on the road divider, dangling bare legs into murky water, still at the age when they enjoy the water and do not think of the dirt and disease it carries. Then the rains came down again.
The night seems unreal because it gets dark outside. Even at night they are used to little bits of light here and there: streetlights in the distance; glimmers from windows of buildings; at least stars. The only light they see, besides the candles inside and the sporadic lightning outside, is from the occasional car gliding through the water, one-third of it submerged, its headlights warning of its arrival in front of windows from a distance. The dark, still water being disturbed by first ripples and then waves of light and dark, and then the car itself, resolving no doubt to never make fun of boats again. Cars breaking down in the middle of the road, and the drivers abandoning it, leaving its indicator lights flickering all night, so people would know it was there.
Every year in Mumbai there are at least one or two days when life comes to a halt and streets are flooded. If you happen to be in office when it happens, you are invariably stuck there overnight. If are unlucky enough to be commuting, you could spend hours in whatever mode of transport you choose, though often walking makes more sense. Walking 30-40 kilometres in knee-deep water isn’t unusual. Sometimes, through chest-deep water.
Many of them slip into a manhole. Wading through thigh-deep water, people suddenly feel no ground beneath their feet, and find themselves slipping. But people behind often help others from falling. That’s one thing about Mumbai: people help each other, because they know that we’re all in it together. You look out for the guys around you, and they look out for you. It’s self-interest.
The rains stop by mid-morning, though the lights often take till evening to come. The streets no longer flooded by noon. Electricity comes back to the city in phases, and that welcome clicky sound, and the whirr of the fan starting up, coming in the evening, after more than 24 hours without power. The pictures get pretty scary: streets like rivers; thousands of cars abandoned in the highway; and everyhere, brown muddy water. The city becomes its drainage system; soon, that would go underground again, and life would be normal.
Until next year.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Zig 'n' zag II
When I think of a life with zig and zag the name that comes to mind is Tony Ritzgerfield. This was a guy I met here a few months back. I had been to Auroville on an official meeting, he was on the final leg of a one and a half year discovery-of-the-world trip.
Tony was from New Zealand, a country where it is not unusual to chuck a well paying job at Cadbury's to fulfill ones wanderlust. Which is what he had done. After spending a few months in Africa (where his expensive camera was stolen), and South East Asia, he traveled the length and breadth of India.
At the end of it, he was down to almost his last penny. He took a local train to Madras, single bag in hand. In London, he had friends - and was to collect insurance money for the stolen equipment. And he seemed so cool, confident and unconcerned about the future - I couldn't help but envy him.
So I'll say once again, it's not about money. It's a cultural thing. I also wanted to be a bunch of 'different' things. Like be a rally driver for a while, then spend a month or two traveling around India (alone). Neither of the plans materialized.
The travel bit was shot down by my parents. Instead of being a rally driver i started working. It paid peanut ka chhilkas, but allowed me to stay connected to my first love - writing.
It's your life but...
Of course, had I been more strong-willed, had I been more of a rebel... Things would have been different. But I cared for 'approval'. As most of us in India seem to.
Approval comes from following the rules laid down in society. The rewards of following these rules are that you enjoy the warm cocoon of family, which an individualist like Tony probably does not.
And of course, in their own way, parents are right. Life in India is a struggle. If you take off for 6 months someone will replace you and you may have to start from lower down the ladder again. You can't take even a basic upper middle class lifestyle for granted. You have to claw your way to a 'good job' and then hang onto it.
Family is social security - emotional too. Which is why you think a million times before doing anything which may upset the applecart.
As we get more economically secure, this may change. But cultural influences are quite deep rooted - so it will take a generation or two to strike the right balance.
The other side
On the other hand, one can argue that 'backpacking' for a firang is an activity pursued, at least partially, for approval. Everybody's doing it - you do it too.
So much so that backpackers who start out thinking they're going to 'discover' a new country and culture simply walk down the path set down by the Lonely Planet guidebook. So in Mumbai they stroll down Causeway, eat at Leo or Mondy's, visit the dhobi ghat and chor bazaar.
And in Goa or Manali, stay in 'backpacker hotels' which serve muesli and banana pancakes for breakfast. And only take in other white skinned residents.
The other point is that travel is something that a lot of young people in the Western world experiment with at some point. But then settle down to predictable lives. It's only a small minority that 'lives to travel'.
As Vicky, another student from Tasmania puts it:
"Forget having kids, buying houses etc: travel light. So many people, not that much older than us, seem so full of regret about the things they never did and places they never went to, and now probably never will. Their lives just seem so empty.
I don't think I could wait until retirement: I could get knocked over by a bus tomorrow. In other words, carpe diem! When people tell us to settle down it seems a bit like a conspiracy: are they jealous that they're stuck with 20-year mortgages and time-consuming children?"
I'm just saying if you are born in India but would like to be a Tony, you should have the choice. Currently, it doesn't seem like we do.
Tony was from New Zealand, a country where it is not unusual to chuck a well paying job at Cadbury's to fulfill ones wanderlust. Which is what he had done. After spending a few months in Africa (where his expensive camera was stolen), and South East Asia, he traveled the length and breadth of India.
At the end of it, he was down to almost his last penny. He took a local train to Madras, single bag in hand. In London, he had friends - and was to collect insurance money for the stolen equipment. And he seemed so cool, confident and unconcerned about the future - I couldn't help but envy him.
So I'll say once again, it's not about money. It's a cultural thing. I also wanted to be a bunch of 'different' things. Like be a rally driver for a while, then spend a month or two traveling around India (alone). Neither of the plans materialized.
The travel bit was shot down by my parents. Instead of being a rally driver i started working. It paid peanut ka chhilkas, but allowed me to stay connected to my first love - writing.
It's your life but...
Of course, had I been more strong-willed, had I been more of a rebel... Things would have been different. But I cared for 'approval'. As most of us in India seem to.
Approval comes from following the rules laid down in society. The rewards of following these rules are that you enjoy the warm cocoon of family, which an individualist like Tony probably does not.
And of course, in their own way, parents are right. Life in India is a struggle. If you take off for 6 months someone will replace you and you may have to start from lower down the ladder again. You can't take even a basic upper middle class lifestyle for granted. You have to claw your way to a 'good job' and then hang onto it.
Family is social security - emotional too. Which is why you think a million times before doing anything which may upset the applecart.
As we get more economically secure, this may change. But cultural influences are quite deep rooted - so it will take a generation or two to strike the right balance.
The other side
On the other hand, one can argue that 'backpacking' for a firang is an activity pursued, at least partially, for approval. Everybody's doing it - you do it too.
So much so that backpackers who start out thinking they're going to 'discover' a new country and culture simply walk down the path set down by the Lonely Planet guidebook. So in Mumbai they stroll down Causeway, eat at Leo or Mondy's, visit the dhobi ghat and chor bazaar.
And in Goa or Manali, stay in 'backpacker hotels' which serve muesli and banana pancakes for breakfast. And only take in other white skinned residents.
The other point is that travel is something that a lot of young people in the Western world experiment with at some point. But then settle down to predictable lives. It's only a small minority that 'lives to travel'.
As Vicky, another student from Tasmania puts it:
"Forget having kids, buying houses etc: travel light. So many people, not that much older than us, seem so full of regret about the things they never did and places they never went to, and now probably never will. Their lives just seem so empty.
I don't think I could wait until retirement: I could get knocked over by a bus tomorrow. In other words, carpe diem! When people tell us to settle down it seems a bit like a conspiracy: are they jealous that they're stuck with 20-year mortgages and time-consuming children?"
I'm just saying if you are born in India but would like to be a Tony, you should have the choice. Currently, it doesn't seem like we do.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Leggy girls & Tiny man : new goodwill ambassadors of Nepal
Sometimes life's like that. "Sab ko sab kuch nahi milta, kisi ko zameen toh kisi ko aasmaan nahi milta".
Must say : A Tiny man with a Big ATTITUDE
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Summer Bummer
It was really really hot and humid in Pondy this time and the summer had just begun.
Summer - in times gone by - meant a month in Simla or Ooty, if you happened to be from a genteel family. Or a month eating mangoes and playing with cousins, if you were the middle class type.
Now, 6 nights and 7 day trips are about the max the genteel types can afford at a hillstation. Not just in terms of money but the fact that dad/ mom may not be able to get away from the job/ business for any longer.
And, even while on vacation there are many who continue to check email or receive work related calls. Instead of concentrating on having fun and de-stressing!
Of course, if you are a student - that's not quite your problem yet...
Kya karen
I know, you are already half bored to death. A two month vacation is a rare and precious luxury. But one that even the modern young person is not quite sure how to enjoy.
Many of you will take up summer jobs, rather than 'sit at home'. Summer jobs used to be market research, fast food counters or salesgirl gigs. Now, the first choice is usually a BPO.
Of course, many who join just for summer, have to swear in the interview that they're serious about pursuing BPO as a 'career'. And HR managers who should know better, choose to believe them.
While BPO is a great place to earn some serious pocket money, there's also a small segment which has to do a summer job as part of course work. These are students of BMM (Bachelor of Mass Media) and BMS (Bachelor of Management Studies).
The most preferred place to work for this lot is an ad agency. And here the case is reverse - there is far more demand for 'jobs' than supply. So contacts have to be used - and usually the student ends up working for a pittance, or even free.
So, there are both sides of the working spectrum!
But seriously, don't discount the 'sitting at home' option.
Not doing anything is hard work.
An ancient art we just might need a refresher course in.
Summer - in times gone by - meant a month in Simla or Ooty, if you happened to be from a genteel family. Or a month eating mangoes and playing with cousins, if you were the middle class type.
Now, 6 nights and 7 day trips are about the max the genteel types can afford at a hillstation. Not just in terms of money but the fact that dad/ mom may not be able to get away from the job/ business for any longer.
And, even while on vacation there are many who continue to check email or receive work related calls. Instead of concentrating on having fun and de-stressing!
Of course, if you are a student - that's not quite your problem yet...
Kya karen
I know, you are already half bored to death. A two month vacation is a rare and precious luxury. But one that even the modern young person is not quite sure how to enjoy.
Many of you will take up summer jobs, rather than 'sit at home'. Summer jobs used to be market research, fast food counters or salesgirl gigs. Now, the first choice is usually a BPO.
Of course, many who join just for summer, have to swear in the interview that they're serious about pursuing BPO as a 'career'. And HR managers who should know better, choose to believe them.
While BPO is a great place to earn some serious pocket money, there's also a small segment which has to do a summer job as part of course work. These are students of BMM (Bachelor of Mass Media) and BMS (Bachelor of Management Studies).
The most preferred place to work for this lot is an ad agency. And here the case is reverse - there is far more demand for 'jobs' than supply. So contacts have to be used - and usually the student ends up working for a pittance, or even free.
So, there are both sides of the working spectrum!
But seriously, don't discount the 'sitting at home' option.
Not doing anything is hard work.
An ancient art we just might need a refresher course in.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Radio rocking
I am in love with an advertising jingle. Ridiculous, but currently true :)
The jingle was for a product called Parachute advanced and it was an after shower hair cream for guys.
The kind of ad that is usually devised for such a product is a permutation of the yo-use-this-product-and-you-will-get-all-the-girls.
However the ad that was actually running - on the radio at least - was surprisingly interesting. It was sung like a rap song, the lyrics went something as follows...
Page 3 cleavage, municipalty sewage..
Five star changa, bill kare nanga..
Chorus: Bure hain haal... Chak chaka chak baal.
Batti wali gaadi, hipster sari...
Girlfriend ka ditch, life's a bitch
Chorus: Bure hain haal... Chak chaka chak baal.
So - life is bad, but use our product and at least your hair won't be.
If I had hair on my head, I would!
Wish I could give you an audio link to it because really, I think it's extremely creative. Especially coming from a house like Parachute which for YEARS has been trying to live down its 'teli' image.
There's hope yet
In fact, all of a sudden, there's a burst of creativity in the radio medium itself. Both advertising and content.
You don't hear any more of those Sholay inspired ads. Or RJs with highly exaggerated firang accents. RJ's in particular have achieved a very cool and easy conversational style. They exchange the kind of banter that comes so naturally to radio show hosts abroad.
Also, mobile phones with FM radios seem to be everywhere. Commuters/ salesgirls/ even panwallahs are now into it.
Now if only the government could resolve its licensing issues and allow a hundred interesting FM stations to bloom! Well, not a hundred perhaps but at least a dozen?
The jingle was for a product called Parachute advanced and it was an after shower hair cream for guys.
The kind of ad that is usually devised for such a product is a permutation of the yo-use-this-product-and-you-will-get-all-the-girls.
However the ad that was actually running - on the radio at least - was surprisingly interesting. It was sung like a rap song, the lyrics went something as follows...
Page 3 cleavage, municipalty sewage..
Five star changa, bill kare nanga..
Chorus: Bure hain haal... Chak chaka chak baal.
Batti wali gaadi, hipster sari...
Girlfriend ka ditch, life's a bitch
Chorus: Bure hain haal... Chak chaka chak baal.
So - life is bad, but use our product and at least your hair won't be.
If I had hair on my head, I would!
Wish I could give you an audio link to it because really, I think it's extremely creative. Especially coming from a house like Parachute which for YEARS has been trying to live down its 'teli' image.
There's hope yet
In fact, all of a sudden, there's a burst of creativity in the radio medium itself. Both advertising and content.
You don't hear any more of those Sholay inspired ads. Or RJs with highly exaggerated firang accents. RJ's in particular have achieved a very cool and easy conversational style. They exchange the kind of banter that comes so naturally to radio show hosts abroad.
Also, mobile phones with FM radios seem to be everywhere. Commuters/ salesgirls/ even panwallahs are now into it.
Now if only the government could resolve its licensing issues and allow a hundred interesting FM stations to bloom! Well, not a hundred perhaps but at least a dozen?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
One Summer Noon.....
This picture was shot at Shri VardhaRaj Temple @ M.G Road - Pondicherry.
You don't need to be rich
Who knows who he is !!!
Time & Place: 26 Nov 09 @ Pondy Beach
Foot Steps !!
It was a lovely evening. Some where at the horizon, the sun had started to ‘cool’ down itself inside the sea and the beach was filled with a riot of colors and people, every where. A bit away from the main beach I found some solitude in being away from crowd and close to sea. It was there that I got the idea of clicking ‘My Foot’.
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