The world according to Dilli

Hello, ji. I myself am Diwana Dilliwala, but you may call me Dilli for short as all people are doing. Some people say I am very old, and that I was born eight times before and that this is my ninth life. Arre, I reply. Cats are supposed to have nine lives, not people. I'm a Dilli, not a billi, I say. I am cutting a joke. Talli doh.

But enough about billis, and history, and all that purana baqwas. Today we are talking about a very big subject. It is called the world. The most famous country in the world, as we are all knowing, is Amrika. In fact, some say it is a world by itself called New World, i.e., Nayi Duniya. It is called New World to separate it from Old World.

Before New World was found, people from here used to go to Old World country called Southhaal. But now everyone from here wants to go only to New World and no one goes to Old World except Pakistanis and Bangladeshis. No wonder they are renaming Southhaal and calling it Southhalal.

Dilli and Amrika have always had very good dosti-shosti, right from beginning. Not believing? I am showing you. Who discovered Amrika? Columbus, na? Same Columbus after whom famous St Columbus school in Dilli is named. Yes, sirji, Columbus was a Dilliwala.

How you think he got his Green Card to go to Amrika? He bought it from same Dilli printer who sells you fake driving licence, voter ID card, ration card, whatever you are needing.

Dilli and Amrika have many things in common. Dilli has CWG scam, 2G scam, votes-for-cash scam. Amrika is founded on the biggest scam of all. It is called capitalism and it is to be found in a klony called Wall Street where world's biggest scambaji takes place. Don't believe? Ask Rajat Gupta.

Now Dilli and Amrika are having a nuclear pact. Amrika will give Dilli nuclear reactors. For bijli, not bumbs, sachchi. Some people worried, what if nuclear reactors explode and release radioactive poison like in some place called Japan where M'ruti cars used to come from. What will happen to Dilli then? Don't worry, I tell such people. In Dilli the nuclear bhoosa that goes into reactor will be adulterated, it will be nakli bhoosa not asli bhoosa, so nothing will happen. No radio-shadio poisoning. No bijli too. But we are not having bijli anyway, so what harm?

Second most important country after Amrika is Pakistan. Some people thinking, Pakistan is not country but cricket team. Pakistan was created by The Partition. Some people saying Partition was very bad thing. But I say, thanks to Partition. Pakistan got Pakistan, which is only one place. But look what Dilli got in exchange: Lajpat Nagar I, II and III - three refugee klonies for the price of one that Pakistan got. What do you say to that. Talli doh.

Pakistan is wanting Kashmir. This was big problem before. If Kashmir went to Pakistan, where one was to go for summer holiday to get away from heat? Big problem. But now? No problem. Thanks to BTQ given by RBI, one can go for summer holiday to Swizzerland, i.e. Kashmir of West.

Swizzerland is nice place, with lots of banks having black money in accounts with secret numbers. All big, big people having secret number accounts in Swizzerland. You don't have secret number account, you not a big people. No one will give you any patta. Or time of day. Specially not time of day coming from watch made in Swizzerland, which is also famous for watches apart from secret bank accounts. Swizzerland making many, many watches, like Omega, Rolex, Bofors (No, no, Bofors was not watch but gun, and came not from Swizzerland, but another S-place called Skindle, or Swindle, or something, and cost 64 crore, which no one has yet found). You wanting Swizzerland watch? I get you one, very cheap. From cujjin-brother who is owning shop in Pallika Bazar selling only Swizzerland watches. No? OK. No problem.

All Swizzerland-made watches my cujjin brother in Palika Bazar is selling are made in special factory called China. China is very big factory which makes everything. And everything it makes is very sasta, very cheap. Swizzerland-made watch? China factory makes it. Air-conditioner, hair-dryer, ballpoint pen, alarm clock? All made in China factory. China factory is world's fastest growing eknomy. How I am knowing this? Because goddess Lakshmi I do puja to, on Diwali also made in China factory. If China can make goddess of wealth, what is making mere money for it?

What other countries does world have? There is one place called Arsetralia. It is called Arsetralia because in old days people from jail, called arses, were sent there. What else I know about Arsetralia? They have kungaroo, which are like very big rabbits and go hopping like maindaks. Also, in Arsetralia they beat up students from Andhra Pradesh, which is one other country south of Vindhya mountains which I am not knowing too much about.

Italy is also famous country for two most famous inventions. One is piza and one is Soniaji. Which is more famous? Piza, of course, because it coming in many flavours - paneer masala, butter chicken, keema-mattar, etc - while Soniaji coming in only one flavour, which is Congress (Heh, heh. Only cutting a joke, Soniaji. You are not taking to heart, no? Talli doh.)

There used to be another famous country called Roossi. Everyone used to go around saying 'Hindi-Roossi bhai-bhai'. But nowadays nobody talks about Roossi, where they still sing songs of Raj Kapoor. Whoever that is.

Any more countries? There is one country called SAARC. It is also called Neighbours. Neighbours have one common thing: they all hating us. Why? Because they say we always doing goondagiri with them. Goondagiri? We? Saale, kambakht, I'll give you such a jhaapar that your own nani won't recognise you, you *&$!@**…

That'll show them, no? Talli doh.

The Cycle Of Crime

A picture is worth a thousand words. And a gesture is worth a thousand warnings. Was taking a stroll when I came across one of the many cycle stands. I saw this.




And this.
 

 
And finally this !!!!




Lol…. Amazing idea, whoever’s it is to get rid of the tires to carry while leaving the cycle frame behind.


I tell you, there are so many things to see and learn in life. Beyond the text books I mean.

Saudi women use 'breastfeed the driver' fatwa in driving bid

"Do the women have to breastfeed the driver in the presence of their husbands or can they do this alone?"


"Who will protect the wife if the husband entered the house unexpectedly and found his wife breastfeeding the driver?" she asked.

Saudi women plan to turn a controversial fatwa (religious ruling) to their advantage and launch a campaign to achieve their long-standing demand to drive in this conservative kingdom.


If the demand is not met, the women threatened to follow through the fatwa which allows them to breastfeed their drivers and turn them into their sons.

The campaign will be launched under the slogan: "We either be allowed to drive or breastfeed foreigners," a journalist told Gulf News.

Amal Zahid said that their decision follows a fatwa issued by a renowned scholar which said that Saudi women can breastfeed their foreign drivers for them to become their sons.

"As every Saudi family needs a driver, our campaign will focus on women's right to drive," she said.

The controversial fatwa, which was regarded as both funny and weird, issued recently by Shaikh Abdul Mohsin Bin Nasser Al Obaikan, member of Saudi Council of Senior Scholars and adviser to the king, has sparked a debate in society.

The renowned scholar said Saudi women can breastfeed their foreign drivers for them to be become their sons and brothers to their daughters.

Under this relationship, foreign drivers can mix freely with all members of the family without breaking the Islamic rule which does not allow mixing of genders.

Breast milk kinship is considered to be as good as a blood relationship in Islam.

"A woman can breastfeed a mature man so that he becomes her son. In this way, he can mix with her and her daughters without violating the teachings of Islam," the scholar said.

Al Obaikan based his fatwa on a Hadith (saying) of the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) which was narrated by Salim, the servant of Abu Huzaifa.

Later, Al Obaikan clarified that his fatwa was being distorted by the local media which ignored the condition that the milk should be drawn out of the woman and given to the man in a cup to drink.

Speaking to Gulf News, a number of Saudi women condemned the fatwa. Fatima Al Shammary was quoted by the local Arabic daily Al Watan as saying the fatwa was "ridiculous and weird".

"This fatwa has become a hot topic of debate among women. Is this is all that is left to us to do: to give our breasts to the foreign drivers?" she said.

Another Saudi woman, who spoke on condition of anonymity, questioned: "Does Islam allow me to breastfeed a foreign man and prevent me from driving my own car?

"I have not breastfed my own children. How do you expect me to do this with a foreign man? What is this nonsense?" she said.

Another woman said "The fatwa should also apply to the husbands who should be breastfed by housemaids. By doing so, all will be brothers and sisters," she said.

Hamid Al Ali, a journalist for an electronic newspaper, recalled that an Egyptian driver who had a crush on a female teacher he drives to school asked her to breastfeed him. When she retorted angrily, he said: "I want to be your son."

Saudi writer Suzan Al Mashhadi sarcastically asked Al Obaikan: "Do the women have to breastfeed the driver in the presence of their husbands or can they do this alone?"

"Who will protect the wife if the husband entered the house unexpectedly and found his wife breastfeeding the driver?" she asked.

Time Value of Money

Apple and Orange were at the headquarters of a big company at Nariman Point, Mumbai's premier business district. Both were MBA students and had come to meet a manager in that company for some inputs on their project.

The meeting went well and Apple and Orange were gazing at the skyscrapers at Nariman Point.

“One day I’ll become the CEO of this company”, Apple exclaimed ambitiously. Then he asked curiously, “How much does the CEO of this company earn?”

“More than 4 crores (40 million) rupees per annum plus stock options plus bungalow plus Mercedes and many other perks”, Orange responded to the opportunity of showing his general knowledge.

“I won’t be happy with only Mercedes. Also I won’t travel in public airplanes. I’ll buy a private jet at company’s expense”, Apple said visualizing himself in the private jet.

“Yeah, we’ll earn big bucks”, Orange also shared the big dream.

It was time to reach home and both had to catch a local train, at CST station, around three kilometers from Nariman Point.

“We’ll go by cab, but I don’t have the money now. Please pay for cab, I’ll pay you later”, Orange requested.

Apple checked his wallet, it was empty.

“We’ll walk to the station. We won’t get time to walk when we’ll have private jet and Mercedes”, Apple started walking.

Both wished for some money, few lakhs if not crores from their future.

-- Time Value of Money: A dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow.

-- In India: 1 crore = 10 million = 100 lakhs.

Innovation Everywhere

Orange, a thief went to a shop which accepted second hand goods. He used to sell most of his stolen goods in that shop, and the shopkeeper was aware of that.

This time Orange had all his bags, small and big, for sale. He used these bags while stealing goods and money.

Shopkeeper wondered and asked, “Are you planning to quit your profession?”

Orange replied, “No, but I have moved up the value chain. Now I use Pen Drive.”

God’s Own Kids

Orange was preparing for his MBA final placements. He was putting in as much time and effort as possible to get the dream job. Books were piled up of on his study table; he was searching from his laptop for as much information as he could swallow. Each and every second was precious!!

Lemon was loudly singing and playing guitar. Lemon was Orange’s roommate and classmate. He had just returned from a first day movie show and dinner in his favorite restaurant.

“Will you please shut up? I can’t concentrate in this noise”, Orange yelled at Lemon. “Noise? Dude, this is music. If you can’t concentrate that’s your problem. You don’t have brain to study this stuff. Don’t give me excuses of noise”, Lemon responded.

“I don’t have brain? I am the topper of the class. I had international summers. I have completed CFA level 2. I am the chairperson of cultural committee”, here came Orange’s reply. 

Orange throws his CV on Lemon’s face. “Look at my achievements. I have everything that an MBA student can have. What do you have with you?”

“Nothing, except a PPO!”, Lemon exclaimed with a winning smile and resumed playing guitar and singing.

-- For those who don't know PPO means Pre-Placement Offer in MBA parlance. Student can get a PPO, final job offer from his Summer Internship company, then he need not sit for final placements.

Future Synergy

Date – 26^th January, 2015
Place – Mumbai

CEO of the biggest Indian IT company, Lemon Corp had called a press conference to make an announcement. No one in the press was aware about what was going to be announced. All reporters were curiously waiting for the conference.

“IT industry and our company are at decisive point. The competitive advantage is not technology but talent. There is extreme competition among all players in this industry for talent“; the CEO started his speech on this serious note.

“We at Lemon Corp have always faced this challenging task of recruiting, training and retaining talented people. Decreasing hourly rate from clients and increasing salaries made the matter worse. We want to double our manpower every two years. We asked ourselves, is there any out-of-the-box way to get out of this situation? Now, we have got the solution for this problem.”

There was a long pause and everyone was waiting for his next words. “We are planning to acquire FastClone, a company with expertise in human cloning.” All were stunned with disbelief.

“What is the synergy between an IT company and a cloning company?” a reporter questioned the CEO. CEO answered, “I thought you would have guessed that!! We plan to clone all our talented employees so that we would never face human resource crunch. We have been closely working with FirstClone for some time, and we thought it would be perfect backward integration.”

“I believe it’s impossible, how you can clone a knowledge worker and expect the Clone to perform intelligent tasks?” another reporter questioned.

“Change begins at the top” the CEO smiled and he switched on the big screen behind him.

It was live, the same CEO was in Bangalore addressing press conference at same time!!”